Santa Claus (please, no fat shaming) has been cancelled because he (preferred pronoun) is a phallocentric, cisgender, heteronormative, oppressive white male existing solely within an ageist authoritarian hierarchy. He is misogynistic and fraught with mansplaining, bropriation, toxic masculinity and white fragility.

Only unwoke children adhering to bourgeois capitalistic values and to moral absolutism (by not being naughty) receive gifts during the Celebration of Winter (formerly known as Christmas). Such children are brainwashed and seduced into a lifelong exploitative and metastasizing addiction to conspicuous consumption.

Santa’s bribes to gift-addled children are made by degendered, height-challenged, marginalized elves at the North Pole, a hostile post-colonial, non-union, right-to-work setting. The oppressed elves and reindeer must avoid stepping off the shrinking polar ice cap. At least ze (preferred plural pronoun for elves) no longer need to watch out for polar bears on passing ice floes due to their rapidly shrinking population.

Woke Christmas Shopping and Decorating

Scrooge-like robber barons such as Wal-Mart lure unsuspecting shoppers with elaborate decorations, holiday music and even (horrors) low prices. Some stores stoop so low as to provide ersatz Santas to lure, confuse and coax young children into an anti-proletarian lifestyle. If you should feel overwhelmed by microaggressions while shopping, seek a safe room with elevator music, teddy bears, images of frolickingly puppies, Play-Doh, warm milk and cookies. Should you need a rest room, make sure there is one available that comports with your gender identity at that moment.

Décor for the Celebration of Winter must exclude trees and anything intended to hang on trees. Also offensive are images of Santa, reindeer and anything red or green. Most offensive are nativity scenes. Avoid snowflakes and snow globes; however, making snow people is acceptable. Avoid holiday lights unless the power comes from solar or windmills as the energy wasted will lead to more fracking and pipelines. Be on high alert to avoid candy canes which resemble a shepherd’s crook – bummer.

Gift Guidelines for a Woke Christmas

Eschew toys made in China with slave labor; however, it is just fine to buy EVs that use child labor in Africa. Buy locally to avoid leaving a humongous carbon footprint. Take care to avoid cultural appropriation and non-intersectionality. Don’t use wrapping paper or cards as the environmental impact of paper products requires clear cutting of old growth forests and sacrificing spotted owls on the altar of unbridled consumerism. Moreover, disposing of all the waste requires countless new landfills. Lengthy after Christmas lines to return gifts attest to their utter depravity; obviously, people neither needed nor wanted the gifts. This is not gaslighting.

Avoid gender specific gifts; above all, this means NRA-inspired toy guns for the deplorable and irredeemably racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic and xenophobic boys in flyover land. They will cling to their new guns along with their religion. Avoid gifts from companies guilty of greenwashing.

Certain woke gifts are acceptable, such as birth control pills for birthing people on rape-infested college campuses. Personalized N-95 masks are a good choice. If all else fails, a Che Guevara sweatshirt always is sure to please your woke friends.

Vacations to socialist utopias such as North Korea, Gaza, and nearby Venezuela are popular with progressives; however, remind your recipient to bring zer (preferred pronoun) own toilet paper. If you can’t afford foreign travel, California, New York or Illinois are good substitutes. If you want to impress your favorite liberal, give zem (preferred pronoun) a U-Haul to Florida. For a really big splurge, you could provide private security to your blue state BFF in a sanctuary state where crime and looting are rampant, guns are banned, police have been defunded and cash bail eliminated.

Woke Christmas Dinner

Once all the unwanted gifts and materials are properly recycled with zero waste, avoid binge eating f/k/a Christmas dinner – an affront to those with food insecurities. Avoid grace or even a moment of silence as this is but a veiled attempt at prayer. Eat only organic, non-GMO, sustainable, local and fair-traded foods. Consider a vegan, PETA approved menu; tofu is a great alternative. Avoid turkey which is not free range and is loaded with growth hormones, mutagens, carcinogens and antibiotics. Bon Appetit.

TRIGGER WARNING: Merry Christmas to all our readers from MLLG!

© 2023 George Noga
More Liberty – Less Government, Post Office Box 916381
Longwood, FL 32791-6381, Email: mllg@cfl.rr.com