A Politically Correct Christmas

Trigger Warning! Despite our very best effort to be 100% politically correct,
this post uses the term “Christmas” and may contain other microaggressions. 
A Politically Correct Christmas
By: George Noga – December 11, 2016

      Begin by recognizing Santa Claus as a phallocentric, atherosclerotic white male existing within an ageist, authoritarian hierarchy. Only children adhering to bourgeois capitalistic values and to moral absolutism (by agreeing not to be naughty) receive gifts during the Celebration of Winter (formerly Christmas). Such children are brainwashed and seduced into an exploitative, metastasizing consumerism. Gifts are thinly-disguised payola intended to create lifelong addiction to over consumption.

Santa’s bribes to gift-addled children are made by degendered, height-challenged, differently-abled elves at the North Pole, a post-colonial, non-union, right-to-work setting. Regrettably, Obamacare has forced Santa to cap total elf employment at 49 and to limit their work week to 29 hours. The elves and reindeer must constantly avoid stepping off the shrinking polar ice cap and dodge polar bears on passing ice floes.

The tectonic pressure to exchange gifts leads to psychoses not covered by atavistic health insurance plans of rapacious insurance companies. Scrooge-like robber barons, like Wal-Mart, lure unsuspecting shoppers with elaborate decorations, holiday music and even (horrors) low prices. Avoid any stores that stoop so low as to provide ersatz Santas to confuse, coax and cajole young children into an anti-proletarian lifestyle.

PC decor for the Celebration of Winter excludes Christmas-centric trees and any ornaments designed to hang on trees. Also offensive are images of Santa, reindeer, and anything (even napkins) red or green. Even more offensive are nativity scenes and candy canes, the shape of which represents a shepherd’s crook. Snowflakes, snow globes and snowpeople are acceptable; after all, it is a Celebration of Winter. Avoid holiday lights; the energy wasted inexorably leads to more evil fracking and pipelines.

Eschew toys made in China with slave labor, subsidies and currency manipulation, then shipped around the world leaving a humongous carbon footprint. Don’t use wrapping paper or send cards as the environmental impact requires clear cutting of old growth trees and sacrificing spotted owls on the altar of consumerism; moreover, disposing of all the waste requires countless new landfills. After Christmas lines to return gifts attest to the depravity; obviously, people neither needed nor wanted gifts.

Avoid gender specific gifts, the most egregious being NRA-inspired toy guns for the deplorable and irredeemably racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, and Islamophobic boys in flyover land. They will cling to their new guns along with their religion. Certain gifts are acceptable like PCC pills distributed to snowflakes on rape-infested campuses, preferably with funds coerced from the Little Sisters of the Poor. Vacations to socialist havens like Venezuela and North Korea are popular with progressives.

Once all unwanted gifts and waste materials are recycled, avoid binge eating a/k/a Christmas dinner, a microaggression to those with food insecurities. Before eating, skip grace or even a moment of silence, which is but a veiled attempt at prayer. Select organic, non-GMO, sustainable, local and fair-traded foods; tofu is a good choice. Avoid turkey loaded with growth hormones, mutagens, carcinogens and antibiotics, although turkey is preferable to a Chick-fil-A washed down by a 24-ounce Big Gulp.

Ensure that a variety of rest rooms is available for GLBTQ+ who may use any one or more he/she/it/they wish depending on his/her/its/their gender self identity at that moment. For anyone overwhelmed, be sure to provide a safe room with elevator music, teddy bears, videos of frolicking puppies, Play-Doh and warm milk and cookies.


Next up on December 18th is our traditional Christmas posting.